A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
