This is not my ceiling
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i love accidental penises.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
