Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
