I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Farmville is her only friend.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
