Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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