Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
