walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
