True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
