Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
