You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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