I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
