i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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