What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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