i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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