so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
