very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
