next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We need a shit load of segways right now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
