Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
