So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
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