I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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