I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
