i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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