apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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