He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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