Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
