Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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