The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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