so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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