I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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