Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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