where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
