We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
