so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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