why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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