maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
