When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
