my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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