i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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