i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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