You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
