I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
