I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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