I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
