Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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