pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Boobs speak an international language.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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