Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
