I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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