What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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