I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
