Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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