What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
