Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
