Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
