My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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